Fic: Biste nicht ganz dicht?

[drcalvin]

Fandom: Axis Powers Hetalia
Characters: Germany/USA
Rating: R / adult
Warnings: Gay sex, general stupidity, lots of swearing (most of it in German), PWP
Beta: Thank you xdearlin for the beta!
Summary: Alfred F. Jones has a weakness for the German language. Is Ludwig willing to provide?

Notes: Eep *hides* This fic was originally written for the anon-meme. That version is so full of language fail that I want to forget it exists... But a nice anon did a translation and fixed some errors, so I thought I might as well try to clean it all up. I received further help from xdearlin. Text has also been slightly extended from the kink-meme version.

Biste nicht ganz dicht?

Why did I ever agree to this? Ludwig wondered for the nth time as his partner gallantly opened the door of the bubblegum-blue Cadillac and showed tonight's choice of dining place - Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Because I'm a lonely, unsocial loser and he is being really decent to me nowadays, his inner voice reminded him. Especially considering what I did to his older brother.

After "dinner" they went to one of the cinemas that had sprung up all over America and watched a papier-mâché monster stomp down a model of Tokyo.
Alfred tried to cop a feel, but Ludwig was too busy worrying about what kind of mental effects radiation actually had on a nation to really get into it. Also, the smell of popcorn grease was a turnoff.

They drove back to America's house. And since Ludwig really was very lonely, Italy had turned out to be straight after all and everyone said France had VD, he followed Alfred inside "for a nightcap".

It was when they were down to underwear (Germany - white boxers. America - Superman-patterned Y-fronts) and lay in bed, stroking each other, that things got a bit weird.

"So, you know what I was thinking, Germany?" Alfred said in a husky voice.

Actually, he'd just been wondering who Alfred expected to top. "What?"

"I experienced a bit of your culture, you know, during the war." Alfred fiddled with Ludwig's hair a bit, which Ludwig hoped he wasn't supposed to find erotic because it was mostly annoying. "Language, and your food and so too of course!"

"Yes?"
Did he perhaps want to use whipped cream in bed? Ludwig wouldn't mind trying that.

"And, hehehe, this is a kind off embarrassing, but it really turns me on. So I wondered if you could, you know..." Alfred trailed off in an awkward mumble. "It's ah, just a kink, you understand! But, like, it goes together like whips and chains, right?" He looked hopeful.

"Out with it," Ludwig said with a tired sigh. Whips and chains? "We're both grown-ups."

"Yeah, like I was saying, some of the things I saw during the war in Germany when I hung around with my troops..."

Inside, Ludwig was beating his head against a wall. Damn! He should've known! All those miserable war movies must have been some subconscious expression of Alfred's inner perversions. But Ludwig would rather die a virgin than ever put on even a fake Nazi-uniform again. First sign of the N-word and he was out of here.

"So, uhm, I was kinda wondering if you could givemeordersinGermanwhilewefuck?"

"Wie bitte?" It just slipped out at the incongruence between what he had expected to hear and what (he thought) Alfred actually said.

"Ohhh, yeah," if the moan wasn't a sure indication that he had heard correctly, the sudden blush on Alfred's cheeks probably was. "Go on..."

Ludwig rolled his eyes. "Ich glaubs nicht... Meinst du das ernst?"

Since Alfred had begun to hump his leg while he spoke, and Texas was fogging up with impressive speed, Ludwig took that as a resounding yes.
Well. It felt kind of ridiculous but on the other hand, no mention of swastikas so... why not?

"Do you even understand German?" he asked, just to make sure.

"Not a word beyond 'Achtung, achtung'! Oh, and I know 'Bier bitte' too," Alfred said happily. "But it sounds so kinky. Come on, order me to do something!"

"Na schön. Kennst du das Wort Schwachkopf?" Ludwig tried.

America was moaning in earnest now and grinding himself against Ludwig.

"Du bist ‘n Vollidiot."

Texas seemed to be slipping dangerously low, so Ludwig decided to remove the glasses before an accident happened. When he leaned over Alfred to drop them off at the bedside table, the other nation surprised him by lying back submissively and spreading his legs in a blatant invitation.

"Und sie nennen mich einen Perversling?" he muttered, and got on top of America. Not a bad position to be in, all things considered.

"Jawohl?" Alfred said and managed to mangle the pronunciation so badly that Ludwig decided that he'd have to gag him if he tried to speak German again.

Time to get out of these boxers. In the spirit of experimentation, it would be interesting to see if he could explain to Alfred what he meant, without resorting to English?

"Nein, nicht so, Blödmann. Es ist ja ganz einfach!" Alfred tried to kiss, to rub and even sucked his nipples for a while (which was, he had to admit, really nice) but the undressing part? Nope.

"Ich will doch nur dass du sie runterziehst!" Ludwig snapped. Alfred shuddered in pleasure at that, but made no move to obey.

It was obvious that Alfred was just as thick in this aspect of life as in all others. Only when Ludwig put his hands on the boxers and tugged, did he finally get the point.

"Das hat ja ewig gedauert," Ludwig grumbled. Now that he knew what to do, Alfred quickly got rid of his own underwear and turned around so he was on all four. He gave Ludwig a hopeful glance over his shoulder.

"Und was willste jetzt? Falls du Prügel im Bett magst, kannst du es vergessen."

Alfred waved his ass in front of Ludwig, who remained unimpressed. "Warum glaubt ihr alle, dass ich so ein Fan von Sadomasoschismus bin? Bin doch kein Engländer."
Although, it wasn't fair to leave such a fine ass completely alone...

"There's lube in the drawer," Alfred said with a slightly disappointed sigh when it (finally) dawned on him that while Ludwig was rather happy to stroke his ass, rub against it and play with Alfred's dick, no spanking was forthcoming.

"Na, siehste," Ludwig said happily and began preparing his partner. "Geht doch gut wenn du nur versuchst, mich zu verstehen."

"Come on, Germany," Alfred whined, "you spent the entire goddamn war yelling at Italy. Can't you just- Ah!"

Now that he had one slicked finger working inside Alfred, it was perhaps time to be a bit generous. Even if it still felt really, really stupid, but Ludwig could be accommodating in bed. Especially when he was about to get inside of America's pert ass.

"Weisst du überhaupt, was ich mit dir machen werde?" he growled in Alfred's ear. "Oder bist du wirklich so blöd, dass du mir freie Hand lässt?"

"Please," Alfred moaned and began stroking himself frantically.

"Na schön. Erstens! Ich werd dich voll verarschen, weil du ein total hirnloser Trottel bist!"

Germany took himself in hand and began stroking.

"Zweitens! Ich werde Österreich und Ungarn alles – und ich meine alles – verraten! Und so wahr ich ein Land bin," Ludwig gasped as Alfred clenched even tighter around his finger and squirmed in a very tempting way, "w- würde ich mich sehr wundern wenn du nicht bald Besuch kriegst!"

"Ja!" Alfred gasped.

Time for another finger. Or two. Definitely two.

"Denkst du ich bin pervers? Dann hast du gar nichts gesehen. Die beiden sind total Krank!" He bent down and rumbled in Alfred's ear, "Ich glaub es kommt von. Zu. Viel. Apfelstrudel!"

"Oh god," Alfred was sobbing now, "please fuck me!"

"Und jetzt," Ludwig was grinning now, really getting into it, "werd ich dich ficken biste vergessen hast, was für 'ne Sprache ich überhaupt spreche!"

Alfred was moaning loudly and fucking himself on Ludwig's fingers as if he would prefer if the German man just stuck his entire arm up there. Annoying as it could otherwise be, he had to admit that the typical loud American enthusiasm made for a very nice partner in bed.

"Macht dich bereit!" Ludwig pushed inside Alfred in one smooth stroke.

Oh yeah, this was what he needed. Somewhere during this entire ridiculous exercise, he had become really excited. Alfred was hot and tight around him, making all kinds of happy little sex-noises and pushing back until Ludwig’s balls pressed against his ass.

They moved together, now silent except for pants and gasp, until Ludwig began to feel an increasing tightness in his loins.

Then he gasped in pleased shock. “Verdammtes... Amischwein," he rasped, “Hast du sie noch alle!?"
Alfred had somehow managed to curl together enough to reach beneath his own legs and he was now stroking Ludwig’s balls with the tips of his fingers every time they came together.

"Scheisse!" He was about to come soon - how much endurance did this bloody American have anyway? “Verdammt! Schneller, du Dreckskerl!"

Alfred only moaned and somehow, impossibly, tightened even more around him.

"Ach, Scheisse, mach schon!"
Oh very intelligent, Ludwig. How did he end up forgetting his own language anyway? But it was damned hard to think of something to say, with Alfred such a wonderful, burning pressure around his cock, the most erotic little moans spilling from him ever so often.

“Er... Schmetterling! Zwei! Teufel!" No, wait, Alfred thought wartime German was hot, didn’t he?

“Angriff! Feuer! Blitzkrieg!" Oh, what the hell, who needed pride when you could get laid... “ACHTUNG!"

“Yes!" Finally, Alfred came. He did it with just as much excess as everything else. He yelled, he buckled, he produced an amazing amount of come (all over Ludwig’s hand) and then he pretty much passed out on the spot.

But, as Ludwig noticed when he tried to sneak off to wipe clean, he still wanted to cuddle.

“Mffrp," Alfred mumbled and clung to Ludwig, completely disregarding the fact that they were both sticky and gross, “wuzz great, gotta do’t again soon, yeah?"

For a moment, Ludwig considered running away. If this was what America considered was great...

Although it was a definite improvement from being alone with his stash of porn magazines.
And Alfred at least, unlike Certain Other English-language kinky bastards who were banned for ever from Germany’s bedroom, didn’t have the wrong kind of uniform kink.
Last but not least was the embarrassing fact, which Ludwig would never admit, that he had developed a certain fondness for grinning fools a while back...

“Na schön. Aber nächstes mal," Ludwig said, “musst du mich ficken. Klar?"

The smile on Alfred’s face was the smile of a silly idiot who has just received his fondest wish. Upon reflection, it looked quite charming.

- The End -

Endnote: If you don't speak German, it may not be quite apparent, but Ludwig isn't really very kind to his partner here. At all. Just run a few words through an online translator and you'll see ^_~

Comments

[drcalvin.livejournal.com]

join the club *blush*

thank you! ^_^